The feeling of failure never washes off your clothes no matter how many cycles you put it through. Your next success leaves you hollow, as though you didn’t deserve it. “Imposter Syndrome” is what they call it.
When Noiseless was being made, I was in the middle of exploring different styles. I’d grown accustomed to outlined pixel art but I was too impatient and didn’t like a lot of the results. Noiseless was the first venture into a bright and cheery style with colors that complimented yet contrasted heavily. It was the first time I’d done something with a bit of perspective and I say it came out amazingly for my very first time. But I failed in my presentation of it. I got too excited and minted five versions of it at a relatively, to my other options, steep price.
I’d compared myself to Genuine Human when pricing the piece and I thought, at first anyways, that the price was fair for the time spent on it, the look of it and what the piece really meant to me. But what I didn’t realize was, I wasn’t Genuine Human, I was Spazzeh. I was a person with a small following, and not many people looking to purchase any of my works yet. I had only just begun my journey as an artist.
My decision to burn Noiseless wasn’t taken easily. When I had thought about it, and even now pondering the thought makes me weepy, I broke down into tears. I spent so long on that piece, putting the small lights, erasing when it didn’t look right, changing the buildings to and fro… But I felt it necessary to do so in the end.
Noiseless was a bridge from the old me into the new me.
Noiseless was what allowed me the style I currently use and was the best example, at the time, of what I could do in that style.
The bridge needed to be burned. It needed to be burned to make a mental note for myself. To better myself. The breakdown during my Tarot Card release was what really solidified my thoughts about burning that past bridge.
I had been really stubborn with myself at the beginning: “Keep the price the way it is, someone will buy it eventually!”
Or
“This is my best piece, I’m not going to change anything about it…”
Then the first two editions were burned…
“The price will make sense now! It has to make sense…”
Doubt…
“Did I really price this too high? I thought it was a fine price… I’ve seen Cryptopunks selling for thousands…”
Another unfair comparison…
Weeks later the announcement about burning the rest…
And now here we are.
Losing all this money to make a statement to myself really hurt. But it was necessary. I had to make sure that I really got the message, to be a lot more conscious about what I do and how I do things. I can’t compare myself to a celebrity in the space while I’m still a small person. I had to start following the advice I’d been giving others. And I’m so bad at following my own advice.
But no longer. With how much I break my promises to myself, I need to do better; to be better.
I know y’all have seen too many of these, so I apologize. But I really want you all to get a glimpse into my mind, no matter how messed up it can be, or how sloppy it may look. I’m trying my best to do what I can and when I don’t do what I’ve promised, I want you all to call me out on it. Tell me that I’m breaking the promise I made to myself, and more importantly, to you all.
Thank you for reading.
I love you all so, so much.
Until next time,
I’ll see you when I see you.
